BattleBoi

Carol and Vincent

Little house in Laguna Beach
Deborah and Val have rented me a little house in North Laguna, very near Las Brisas, the Laguna Beach Art Museum and the Cliff Walk--and within a few hundred feet of downtown. Am really nervous about what happens to all my good furniture that won't fit into a tiny space--but am also happy not to have much to take care of. The smallest thing sets me off, ie, this has been a four-Ativan day. I probably hurt Deborah's feelings by focusing on not wanting to consign all my stuff to immediate liquidation, but I come at the change of venue from a different viewpoint, ie, she lobbies from the New Age perspective that I should find it all 'simplifying, cleansing'. For me, it is one more slip of the carpet out from under my feet, which I know is a product of high anxiety (but I can't help it!) Complicating it all for me is the evident fact that she and Val have already done so much, ie, am I being ungrateful?

Carol
Saw Carol for the first time in 15 months this evening. She has shoulder-length red hair! I would be interested to see it darker, ie, more wine with shiny highlights than auburn. We picked right up while skipping right over recent past, although we both filled in just enough detail to get the picture of a difficult 2003. The right way to play it on both sides, I think.

Carol said she would like to come visit me in Laguna, which I didn't expect and which I would love. She took the moment to say she now agreed with a comment I made to her long ago that I was afraid had hurt her, and which probably did. I respect her very much for that, although it would not have changed my regard for her if she still disagreed with me.

Vincent
Vincent was out with the Australian food festival people, but I hope to see him tomorrow for the first time since he left for Italy in October. He will be permanently or semi-permanently in Rome and/or Polizzi Generoso after end of January. Carol will live in rehearsal room on El Royale's 10th floor temporarily. They are giving up 706 after 16 years in the building. I have the sense we are all ready to move on after a very difficult time, with some mixed emotions inevitable. Their apartment was just as disordered as mine, after much less time in chaos.

Sleep

So far the new medication continues to make me even sleepier than usual. Wellbutrin is supposed to be 'activating', as already noted below, but maybe that outcome takes awhile to become effective? Most antidepressants put me to sleep at first, I have noticed, not that I am the living expert...although perhaps enroute to that role?

Oblomov
is the Russian novel about a man who plans to do things, but never actually does anything, throughout his life. One of my favorite memories from Russian Literature at Swarthmore.

I started this blog last week as an experiment. Takes me out of the mausoleum the apartment has become as a communications device, even though I am sharing it with no one at present. I hope that I will learn something from it over time. However, there is an already apparent defect in that not a great deal to report emerges from days spent sleeping 12 hours or more. Perhaps I will have an exciting ATM or supermarket run to report tomorrow?

Martin Luther King's Birthday
There was an excellent American Experience documentary on Martin Luther King last night, the same evening as the Iowa caucuses. Why aren't there people of his stature active in Democratic politics today? Paul Krugman's column in the NY Times profiles this evening's forthcoming State of the Union address as more Bush claims to endorse unfunded, not-to-be-funded-but-populist notions...in other words, confuse the middle while satisfying the radical right. Depressing, if I weren't depressed already.

Wellbutrin

Wellbutrin is supposed to be an 'activating' antidepressant. So far, not true. Every new drug seems to have a sedating effect on me, Wellbutrin no exception. However, no other unpleasant side-effects. Still, hope I don't always sleep until 7pm while taking this drug.

I managed to sleep through three dinner invitations, including one with John Kane. Would have been good to see him. Orion, Hugh and I had a great time at his house outside Taos over Christmas 2002. Ah, well.

Message from Deborah. Val hasn't driven the Lexus yet; sticking with the junker car. Maybe he feels he doesn't own it yet? Ah, well, again...

My psychiatric emergency

Actually, my emergency appointment with my psychiatrist, not quite so dire a thing. Orion took me to see Dr Sandler and Val paid for it, both deeply appreciated actions. Not to leave out Deborah and Val handling the repair of the wrecked Lexus, another act this week that was truly above and beyond the call of duty.

Dr Sandler did not seem to be phased by the fact that I had not been to see him since the car accident in September, nor that I had been erratic in obtaining my Effexor prescription from a non-shrink. He does seem to be on my side, admirable in a doctor. Orion came in with me. We spent about an hour establishing that I was now often highly agitated as well as depressed, did not leave my living room for days at a time, etc.

He will support an application for disability, should I keep going. Orion suggested that a daily dose of Ativan might help control the anxiety before I lose control of bodily functions, as opposed to after. Not sure why I had never thought of that option over the last three months, but glad that Orion did.

Effexor has a calming effect. I feel really bad without it. However, it does not seem to do the whole trick at current dosage of 225mg, nor am I eager to go high-dosage on a drug that can have negative effects on high blood pressure. Wayne Sandler suggested adding Wellbutrin to the Effexor and Ativan, at least as a trial. Affects another brain chemical, is 'activating', which God knows I am not otherwise (activated, that is). Worth a try, although I don't remember that Wellbutrin had any effect on me when I tried it as an alternative to the penis-deadening effects of Paxil. However, as part of a cocktail? Why not? What, indeed, do I have to lose?

Orion and I had lunch at Barney Greengrass afterwards, as a reward. Nice view of Beverly Hills from the deck. My favorite, sturgeon, with their wonderful bagels. A reward for an office visit that scared me in anticipation, and reduced me to exhaustion afterward. Said hi to Hugh on the way home, then slept almost 24 hours.